How do you know its time to go…..?

Please note: For what they are worth, these comments represent Debbie’s opinions and perceptions based upon her own experiences and must be understood as such. Thank you…

… HARD QUESTIONS… TOUGH ISSUES…

Interesting topic, I think.  Very hard to know what to do sometimes…. I have gathered some guidelines for your consideration…  When you are in a relationship that is not working, the question of when and how is probably in your mind… these ideas might help you clarify your thinking and guide what you say to a counselor as you begin to talk through things.

1. If there is some reason you do not trust the person, this is the time for careful consideration. Why do you not trust?  Have they lied? Cheated?  Stolen?
2. Have your values stopped meshing? Have you reached a point where you thought you had similar perspectives, but then you came to understand that you did not?
3. Are you bored? No longer interested in spending time with them?  Prefer to be alone instead of in their company?
4. Have you stopped sharing a vision of the future?
5. Can you feel the emotional distance?
6. Do you feel blamed rather than supported to find a solution to daily problems?
7. Have you become aware that you are not their first priority? Or their second? Or third?
8. Are they out of reach, not calling or texting or making plans with you?
9. Do they avoid commitment to you, even though it is “time” for them to do so?
10. Is there someone else in your life? Either in real life or in your dreams?
11. Has there been physical OR EMOTIONAL violence?

What to do instead of leaving…

1. Communicate! Let them know how you feel. Use “I-messages” to express your feelings. Or write them a letter. And then watch to see how they respond.  Are they getting defensive?  Do they blame you instead of taking responsibility?  Do they stonewall or just brush you off?
2. Notice your internal feelings. Does this person trigger anger/rage in you?
3. Make sure you are clear about this rather than ambivalent/confused; talk it through with someone you trust.
4. Make certain you have a safe place to go.
5. Make sure you have some friends/family who support you.
6. Make sure your own money is safe.
7. Consider whether you need an attorney or a marriage counselor. If you need an outside opinion, get it before you take any steps.
8. Invite the almost-ex to go to counseling with you.
9. If he/she refuses, go to a counselor on your own.

In all circumstances, be aware of the 4 elements that John Gottman uses to determine the level of stability in your relationship: Is there criticism? defensiveness? stonewalling? condescension? If so, take these signs seriously, and get going to get help. …dhc

P.S.   My favorite book on this subject is an old one by Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.