Please note: For what they are worth, these comments represent Debbie’s opinions and perceptions based upon her own experiences and must be understood as such. Thank you…

… HARD QUESTIONS… TOUGH ISSUES…

Interesting topic, I think.  Very hard to know what to do sometimes…. I have gathered some guidelines for your consideration…  When you are in a relationship that is not working, the question of when and how is probably in your mind… these ideas might help you clarify your thinking and guide what you say to a counselor as you begin to talk through things.

1. If there is some reason you do not trust the person, this is the time for careful consideration. Why do you not trust?  Have they lied? Cheated?  Stolen?
2. Have your values stopped meshing? Have you reached a point where you thought you had similar perspectives, but then you came to understand that you did not?
3. Are you bored? No longer interested in spending time with them?  Prefer to be alone instead of in their company?
4. Have you stopped sharing a vision of the future?
5. Can you feel the emotional distance?
6. Do you feel blamed rather than supported to find a solution to daily problems?
7. Have you become aware that you are not their first priority? Or their second? Or third?
8. Are they out of reach, not calling or texting or making plans with you?
9. Do they avoid commitment to you, even though it is “time” for them to do so?
10. Is there someone else in your life? Either in real life or in your dreams?
11. Has there been physical OR EMOTIONAL violence?

What to do instead of leaving…

1. Communicate! Let them know how you feel. Use “I-messages” to express your feelings. Or write them a letter. And then watch to see how they respond.  Are they getting defensive?  Do they blame you instead of taking responsibility?  Do they stonewall or just brush you off?
2. Notice your internal feelings. Does this person trigger anger/rage in you?
3. Make sure you are clear about this rather than ambivalent/confused; talk it through with someone you trust.
4. Make certain you have a safe place to go.
5. Make sure you have some friends/family who support you.
6. Make sure your own money is safe.
7. Consider whether you need an attorney or a marriage counselor. If you need an outside opinion, get it before you take any steps.
8. Invite the almost-ex to go to counseling with you.
9. If he/she refuses, go to a counselor on your own.

In all circumstances, be aware of the 4 elements that John Gottman uses to determine the level of stability in your relationship: Is there criticism? defensiveness? stonewalling? condescension? If so, take these signs seriously, and get going to get help. …dhc

P.S.   My favorite book on this subject is an old one by Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.

Please note: For what they are worth, these comments represent Debbie’s opinions and perceptions based upon her own experiences and must be understood as such. Thank you…

Have you found the blessing in the corona virus yet?

I have…

The slowdown in living has allowed me to notice all sorts of opportunities. For example:

• I have time to reach out to old friends and family with whom I have been out of touch.
• I have been able to share things I had too much of with folks who need those things.
• I have had a chance to offer strength, hope and faith to others who are failing in spirit due to all this.
• I have noticed the things I used to take for granted, and appreciate them.
• I have been able to figure out how to patronize local businesses from the curb or from the internet so that they have a chance to keep going.
• I have helped folks get comfortable with telehealth and internet counseling.
• I have had a chance to express my love and appreciation to the people closest to my heart.
• I have had a chance to remember how to cry and mourn.
• I have had a chance to memorialize the losses.
• Gardening!!!
• I have cooked and enjoyed things from the back of the freezer.
• I have had time to take more walks.
• I have absorbed poetry sent over the internet to inspire and sustain me.
• I have done on-line learning …new skills to help my clients, new ways to do old tasks.
• I have cleaned out junk drawers, closets, cabinets, attic, basement.
• I have come to appreciate the fragility of life.

What about you? Has there been a silver lining for you? Even among the moments of anguish and pain?

Please note: For what they are worth, these comments represent Debbie’s opinions and perceptions based upon her own experiences and must be understood as such. Thank you…

How do you know if you have a good counselor?

What a great question this is!  The most important thing about a counselor is that he/she is a person who you can trust.  This means, to me, anyway….

The person really listens to you and lets you know that they understand your experience.  If they don’t get it, how can they really give you something that will help YOU?

Legitimate counselors have a license to do counseling.  This means that they have had training, supervision and experience in the mental health field. If they have a license that means that there is a State Board that upholds standards of conduct to protect you from unethical practices.

Other things to consider:

1. Does the counselor accept your health insurance? Sessions can be expensive, and it is important to get some of the cost covered by your insurance (or your EAP) if you can.
2. Clarify whether the person you are considering can give you what you want. Do you want advice? Or do you want to learn something? Or do you want to have help clarifying the issues so that you can work them out yourself?
3. Compare your sense of comfort as you interview (in-person or on the phone or even using the internet) several candidates. Which one seems to “get it?” Which one seems to have the patience to chat with you?
4. Does the therapist have a way to explain their approach? Does it seem to apply to your situation?
5. Does the counselor use the same approach with everyone? Or can they customize their work to meet your exact needs?
6. What kind of treatment philosophy does your counselor have? Do they follow a particular school of treatment? Or do they know several? How will they pick the one they use with you? Will you have a chance to make choices about the approach?
7. How long do they think it will take to address your problem?
8. Have they had experience with your problem and with the goals you would like to achieve?
9. Does the therapist seem sensitive to you and your needs? Or do they seem to have another agenda?
10. Do you feel uneasy or unsafe with them and their office? Is it in a safe environment? Is there enough privacy?
11. Is the office accessible? Handicap friendly? Is there convenient parking?

These are a few of the things to consider as you make your choice. Remember, legitimate therapists cannot guarantee results; most of them cannot use testimonials or endorsements from ex-clients. (This practice is considered unethical by many licensure boards.) Your best approach is to ask friends or your MD for a recommendation. And then be sure to interview them first, so that you can develop a sense of whether they will fit your needs. …dhc