How It Works (according to Deb)

When you come to counseling, you should use the first few sessions to figure out if you have rapport with your counselor. Find out if you can establish that special trusting relationship with her. The healing in therapy comes from the relationship itself. So if you can’t build that special trusting relationship, it’s time to move on and find another counselor. (That’s why there are so many different counselors, so that everyone can have a therapist who fits with their own personality and the problem.) If you can’t get that special rapport, you’re wasting your time and money.

The way therapy works is through a conversation. We sit and talk. It’s a way to solve problems by talking.

I tend to be positive and future focused. Oh, I know we need to talk about some things that happened in the past, but I want therapy to be goal-oriented and based on your plans for the future. I work on the goals that you want to achieve for yourself. It’s not my business to set the therapy goals for you; I can only help you achieve your own goals. I can help, though, if you want to talk about what might be possible. If it’s possible in the world, it’s possible for you. It’s only a matter of figuring out how.

I always tell people that I am an old lady. I’ve been in this business a long time. And I’ve learned a lot in these 40+ years. But there is really only one thing I do that ever helps people. That one thing is: Sooner or later I open my mouth and give my honest opinion of what you’re telling me. And I hope you’ll open your mouth and give me your honest opinion, too. If we do that there will be just the two of us sitting in the room with no one overhearing us, exchanging honest opinions. And in my experience, that is all we need to solve your problem. Some people tell me that’s ridiculous. They say you can’t solve anything by talking. But 40+ years of success tells me that we can. If we will talk honestly and not give up, we can deal with anything. If we start lying to each other, or we give up, then we’ll never get anything done.

In order to help someone I have to listen very carefully so that I am sure I understand. That is the secret trick, if there is any, to doing good therapy.

I keep from burning out, I guess, because I stay pretty much in a state of awe at the resilience and strength of my clients. They are amazing people who have survived so much! I am thrilled by how well they do. I am honored to know them, to learn from them and to be in their presence. –dhc