Boundaries vs. Barriers

Please note: For what they are worth, these comments represent Debbie’s opinions and perceptions based upon her own experiences and must be understood as such. Thank you.

Boundaries vs. Barriers.  How do you know?

I mean, how do you know if you are doing it right?  We all need boundaries, but we do not want to establish barriers. Or do we?  And what is the difference between boundaries and barriers?

Well, let’s start with definitions. Boundaries are what you do to keep a relationship healthy. Barriers are what you do to shut down a relationship.

If you have healthy boundaries, you have a clear distinction between who you are and who someone else is. Boundaries enable you to know yourself, what you stand for, your place in the world.  For example, you recognize that your place is different than that of your children.  You know that your purpose is different; for example, your purpose is to teach them to be competent adults, their job is to learn as much as they can about the world.  There is a boundary between friendship and intimate romance. There is a boundary between what you say and do at work, and what you say and do at home with your family.  It is when you cross the boundaries in these realms that things go awry.  Often times these problems occur when you get too involved in someone’s life, when you fail to distinguish what is their issue and what is your own. (Co-dependency, anyone?)

What about barriers?

Barriers are things, circumstances or forces that prevent access or passage. They impede or prevent rather than encourage.  For example, there may be a language barrier. Or prejudice may be a barrier to getting to know someone.

Barriers can be a problem when they occur without careful thought. But they can be a resource when you put them in place to prevent contact with someone who is hurtful and destructive to you.

So, a phone can be used to contact someone. You can implement boundaries by letting the person with whom you are talking know something about what hours of the day it is convenient for you to talk, or the subjects you are willing to discuss.  But when someone abuses you or the content of the call is hurtful to you and you cannot seem to educate the person about your preferences (I.E., your boundaries) you may consider erecting a barrier. You might say, “If you call more than once per day, or if you call after 10 pm, I will not answer.”  Or, if you cannot get them to follow this rule, you may block their calls altogether.

Healthy people have boundaries and are aware of them. They communicate about them freely to others and, while boundaries evolve over time, they are “open information” which represent one’s values, choices, beliefs, etc.  Barriers are what healthy people put in place to protect themselves from people or things that risk injuring them.

To be balanced and functional human beings, we need to have both boundaries and barriers.

The thoughts that I have articulated above are rather simple, or even simplistic. If you have been thinking of issues in relationships, often barriers and boundaries are at issue. If this is true in your case, you might consider talking them through with a counselor. Often clarity can bring relief from anxiety, depression or stress….dhc